Do you want less suffering and more connection in your relationships? Learn how you can have more serenity and acceptance toward the things you cannot change, and more courage to shift the things you can, with the following words of wisdom.

In every workplace or relationship conflict, there are always at least two sides to the conflict.  Conflict often stems from one person’s underlying ‘stories’ that are neither heard nor understood by the other person in the conflict. These stories consist of a person’s beliefs, cultural conditioning, and past experiences which make them think and believe that the world works in a certain way.

One of the quickest ways to arrive at a place of inner peace or resolution during a conflict that affects you is to claim what’s yours—to claim what you are bringing into the conflict.

“Aw, shucks,” you might be thinking; “I didn’t really want to admit that I had any part in this conflict. It’s easier and more convenient to direct the blame toward the other person(s) involved.”  Unfortunately, your contribution to the conflict has everything to do with you.  However, by claiming what’s yours, you’ll also be separating what’s yours from what’s theirs.  By sorting out who is responsible for which elements of a given conflict, you’ll likely find yourself left with only half of the troubles you had counted on.  When you learn to identify those troubles, you’ll see that they appear as patterns in other relationships, too.  In doing so, you’ve taken the first step toward causing a major shift in your situation by rooting out your issues and fixing them.

For example, Sue feels that Bill, her manager, speaks down to her.  The disconnect between these two colleagues has festered over time to create a deep-rooted resentment which ultimately prevents them from having a productive conversation about day-to-day issues within their workplace.  Effectively communicating about those issues only serves to bring to light more difficult conversations that must be held, such as about how Sue thinks that Bill is speaking down to her.

Sue brings to the conflict her suspicion that Bill is speaking down to her, but rather than taking ownership of her thoughts and looking inside herself to find clues as to why Bill’s behaviour is triggering an emotional reaction within her, Sue simply blames Bill.

To claim what’s yours in a conflict is the most direct way to identify the underlying issues that are ruffling your feathers.  Own these issues—they’re yours!—and give them your undivided attention.  Seek them out by asking yourself questions about the things that trigger you.

Sue, for instance, might ask herself “Why does the way Bill speak to me trigger my emotions in such a negative way?  What’s the underlying cause of my reaction? When has a similar situation brought up these emotions in my past?” and so on.  In recalling her earliest memory of a similar feeling and situation, the resolution to Sue’s conflict can be found within the questions she asks herself.

When we claim what’s ours, we can also realize what’s not ours.  In any conflict involving two or more parties, others’ issues are not our responsibility. When we can leave others to deal with their issues so that we might focus on our own, we can feel relieved.

This simple strategy may not be easy in practice, so seek guidance.  Education, training, team development, and coaching are but a few of the ways in which you can tap into guidance that is available to you.  If inner peace and freedom from conflict is attracting you, fulfill your attraction expeditiously by seeking such guidance. I would be happy to personally help or refer you in that regard.

Claim what’s yours, know what isn’t, and be rich in healthy relations.  Be mindful of what you’re bringing to and omitting from your relationships.  When you understand your own weaknesses, you can fix them and strengthen all aspects of your relationships in return.  That’s the kind of richness that really matters.

This article is dedicated to a new circle of business associates who I am excited to partner with. Matt Thorpe, Lise Leblanc, Sandi Emdin and Angie Nussey: thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences, and for seeing, hearing and welcoming me into your circle.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.