Seek first to understand is a part of communication which is key to successful relationships with those around us, such as our clients, coworkers, bosses, spouses, children, and neighbors. If we break down the model of communication, there is a sender and a receiver. The receiver should actively listen to what is being said and provide some type of feedback to the sender to convey that they have understood the message.
Listening is to hearing, what seeing is to reading.
When someone is talking are you just hearing or are you really listening?
Hearing is merely one step in the listening process. Other important processes include receiving, organizing, interpreting and responding to what has been heard. Active listening is hard work and requires your full attention. The human mind is capable of thinking up to 1000 words per minute, yet speaks at only one third that rate. So we have extra brainpower to think other stuff right? Wrong. The extra power can be effectively used to interpret, organize, empathize and form a response to what has been said.
Evaluate yourself the next time someone important in your life is talking to you. Are you thinking of a different subject? Are you thinking of what you will say next? Many people are ‘ping pong communicators’ whereby one-person talks, then the next person talks, continuing back and forth. This is what I call the ‘dialogue of the deaf’ because after all, no one is really listening. People are just taking turns talking.
Have you ever said something similar to this, “I don’t understand (a certain person), (he or she) won’t listen to me.”? This is a common complaint between two people, but the reality is that you don’t understand (a certain person) because you aren’t deeply listening to them.
If you really want to build rich relationships, take the time for deep listening. You can have a conversation with someone, listen to what they have to say, ask them questions about what they have said to help you understand, or encourage them to continue the conversation. What you are doing is satisfying the greatest need of the human spirit – the need to feel understood. Once they have finished speaking, restate what you heard them say, because your goal is to seek first to understand them. You can summarize it or put your own words to their thoughts, but the real value in active listening will only be accomplished once they feel understood, by hearing back what you heard them tell you. This does wonders for relationships, especially when they’re strained or something extremely important needs to be conveyed.
Recently I was consulting with a client. I asked her to tell me about her business goals. She began. I listened. She continued. I asked questions to encourage her. Who… What… When…Where… Why… and How… The conversation went on for about an hour. When the meeting ended, my client said “Thank you so much Penny, you are such a great conversationalist”. Although I appreciated the compliment, the truth is that all I did was deeply listen. My client felt understood, appreciated, validated and confident.
Seek first to understand. Deep listening is lacking in our everyday relationships. Be conscious and aware of what you are doing and thinking when it’s very important for you to actively listen. I can guarantee that your life will be enriched by your ability of seeking first to understand, and second to be understood.
Best wishes for active listening and rich relationships.
Penny