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When Sweet Relationships Go Sour

It even happens to me. The sweetest, most delicate and important relationships can go sour, just like that. This can be emotionally crushing. From my experience, here’s my top 3 ideas on what you can do about it. Watch the Video

Take the High Road – Act in your highest possible way; a way that you won’t regret later. It’s difficult, and it’s a lonely place, so reach out to people who’ll help you stay on the high road, not to people who’ll keep you spinning in negativity. You’ll benefit by professional help. I did.

Know What’s Yours and What’s Not – Because there are two or more people involved, and you’re only in control of one of them, you have to know what’s yours, and what’s not.

– What you’ve contributed to the issue,
– What your responsibility is to yourself and the other person,
– and what you need to do about that part.

The rest is theirs, and you have no control over that, but I guarantee you if you spend your energy fixing yourself, you’ll be miles ahead in your relationship potential. Often when you fix your thinking, and the problems fix themselves. So there’s your Work. Fix your own thinking, take responsibility for your part, be humble and vulnerable. Try to see it from all people’s perspectives, and allow others the freedom to have their own viewpoint. Their viewpoint is not right or wrong … It just is what it is. Let go of the need to control others, and do your own Work.

When in conversation about the conflict or issues, rather than defending yourself, (you don’t need to defend who you on the high road), listen to the other person(s) and let you know you heard them. Don’t judge. You’ll never be perfect and neither will others. Don’t make people wrong. As long as you’re making people wrong, there can be no connected relationship.

Have Faith – I learned while going through some tough years of being disconnected from someone so extremely important to me, to stop holding on so tight. Someone suggested that I let it go so that God could pick it up. I never forgot that. That became my Work. Having faith that if I held the intention of what I wanted, and let go of the need to control the timing, that it would happen just the way it’s supposed to.

And so I did, and it was hard, and I waited a long time, and I loved anyway, and I shared my most painful emotions with my closest circle of people, and I cried and yearned for things to be better but it took what seemed like an eternity of waiting. In those times I learned about the fragility of relationships. Of how quickly something so sweet could go sour, and I wept, but I also grew. I expanded and I became stronger and more resilient. Today, I have that person back in my life, and he’s precious like the greatest most fragile and valuable gift in the world. Have faith!

You can’t always mend a broken relationship, but there’s no such thing as a failed one if you learn the lessons from the tumultuous times. Find your lessons. Whether its workplace or business relationships, family or friends, cherish what you have and when sweet relationships go sour, take the high road, know what’s yours and have faith. If I can help, it would be my absolute pleasure because sweet relationships are worth investing in.

Remember, your greatest leadership day is with Penny Tremblay!  705-358-3396

My Life Is Messy

Having coffee with an influential woman in my life the other day had some food for thought tossed on the table. She said that people see me as ‘near perfect’, and that it could possibly hold them back from connecting. I was surprised to hear this feedback, because I have a messy life, but it wasn’t the first time I’d heard it.

Several years ago I was working with a Spiritual teacher in California on an exercise around intimacy (meaning allowing people to see into me, into-me-see). I failed the exercise miserably. The teacher said, “I agree. When you show up, you’re still ten steps back, and although magnificent from there, people can’t feel you.” I was shocked by this feedback, and remember sleeping like a baby that night (went to bed early, cried all night, woke up early crying some more). I was a mess to learn this about myself, but it was true, and I grew from it.

Up until that time, I’d mastered the art of allowing people to see what I wanted them to see. With the outer mask and energetic wall I’d erected, my image seemed to be quite controllable. Or at least that’s what I thought, until I realized the huge cost for masks and walls. The cost gets paid in connection, or lack of connection. People couldn’t get in, and I couldn’t get out.

A common example of masks is seen in all media. Social media posts have people staging their best photos, best times and put their best announcements up for all to see, which masks the big picture of their life. Print media and magazine images are touched up, teeth are whitened, blemishes removed etc. etc.

Another example of masking is noticeable in the workplace. People wear masks to seem perfect in their roles or attain promotions. They dress the part, and presto! They feel like they’re half way there, but it doesn’t take long for those who work with them to get the ‘real read’, because we can’t hide our energy.

The most important question I think we need to ask is “What’s wrong with messy?” Or what’s wrong with real, authentic, genuine ways of being, of which imperfection is big part? Ego isn’t nearly as attractive as authenticity, intimacy and vulnerability. Take off the masks, and tear down the walls, and let people feel the real deal.

I want to ask anyone who hasn’t reached out to me because they thought I was unapproachable, or they couldn’t feel me, to try again. My life is messy. It’s nowhere near ‘perfect’, thank God! Perfect is way too much work. The verb (to perfect) is good planning and good use of our time, but we all have ‘stuff’. If you’re looking at someone who seems better than you are in some way, just remember that you are only seeing the surface. You have no idea what’s really going on, and how messy one’s life can be, nor does it even matter. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t let your joy be stolen by the idea that someone else has a near-perfect life. We are all on this earth for growth, and we grow most during the tough times.

I now celebrate the messes in my life because without them I wouldn’t be able to inspire others with my own experiences. My toughest lessons have brought me wisdom, humility, strength and made me more able to relate to others. If I could wave my magic wand I wouldn’t change my past. There’s some very important relationships that I wish were better, but the messiness is part of who I am, where I’m going and how I can serve people in the future.

The best way to enrich our lives is to accept and love ourselves, and hope to get messy often enough.

leadership training

Want a messy Coach? Speaker? Group Facilitator?

 

Here’s a fitting testimonial: If I could offer a suggestion…although your site is very informative and pleasing to the eye….I was initially a little concerned your approach may be more of a business/corporate style….but you are very personal and intimate and genuine in your style and I think that should be somehow represented on your site so folks realize you can and will do small groups; specifically First Nations groups as your style is very fitting for our People and don’t be reluctant to draw on that and target First Peoples agencies and organizations.  You have left a lasting impression and your mentors and teachers have nothing on you…..your style is infectious and unique unto you!   Be well,  J. Mattson

Dig In and Be Rich

 

It’s human nature to want to come out big—to present ourselves as larger-than-life in conversations, relationships, and success.

However, in order to come out big, we have to go in first, even though our instincts tell us otherwise.

In one of my keynotes, I talk about going in big before you can come out big, and the concept of expanding on the inside first before you can become big on the outside.

Take, for example, my favorite golfer—my son—who wants to send the golf ball as far as possible down the fairway and into the hole with the least number of strokes.  To do this, he needs to come out big off the tee.  His first motion, however, is not toward the hole.  Instead, he draws his club into a full backswing, only then bringing it forward in a more powerful way to connect with the ball and drive it much further than if he’d just teed up and swung forward.

Those of you who play the game of golf will also agree that the toughest six inches of the course are between your ears.  It’s your mental game that holds your physical game together.

Regardless of what you wish to become better at, before you can come out in full swing, you need to consider the ways that you need to go in first.

Let’s say you want to come out big during a workplace meeting.  You’d naturally think that you have to come out with the right words that appeal to the meeting’s audience.  But what if you shifted your approach to go in first?  What if you started by listening to what people want, taking in their thoughts and feelings, and then coming out with something relevant to their input?  Do you see how you’d engage their interests more effectively and have more influence?

Going in before coming out can also resolve conflict.  When dealing with conflict, our natural instinct is to win—to place blame or find fault with the other party involved. That’s your ego wanting to be right and to protect you, but it’s not always the shortest path to resolve.  Rather than coming right out with your need to place blame and find fault, you could go in the opposite direction: you could go in and take responsibility for yourself.  What did you bring to the conflict?  If the conflict within you was triggered by someone else’s actions, it could be a mirror for you to see something within yourself that is unresolved.

Dig in, get messy, and find out for yourself.  Explore the connection between what’s happening today and how it relates to something in your past.  See what you need to see, own what’s yours, and come out with cleaner hands, bigger and more powerful on the outside than had you not challenged your natural instincts first.

Going inward to develop first on the inside is the only way to come out with your full swing in life.  What would happen if you used this strategy to gain more inner expansion, power, and clarity for yourself before coming out swinging?

Dig in, and be rich in all the ways that really matter.

Penny

p.s.  I’d like to dedicate this article to Henry Brunton, for his dedication to Jr. Golf Coaching

Inner Expansion allows Outward Expansion

 

It’s human nature to want to come out big—to present ourselves as larger-than-life in conversations, relationships, and success.  However, in order to come out big, we have to go in first, even though our instincts tell us otherwise.

In one of my keynotes, I talk about going in big before you can come out big, and the concept of expanding on the inside first before you can become big on the outside.  The lesson of inner expansion in leadership came to me by watching my favorite golfer swing, over and over again.  Dig In and Be Rich – Leadership Tip

 

 

Opening the Soul for Business

Last week I was eating Chinese food in a little restaurant on Spadina Avenue in Toronto with my good friend and fellow author, Barry Spilchuk.  I was speaking to him about being snagged  (previous article explains how to best deal with snags) in my personal development because I realized that I was hooked onto something massive.  I had received some uncomfortable feedback which had created a huge disturbance within me. Because of it I was contracted, uptight and upset, and just really wanted to get through it. 

Being the great friend he is, he listened, understood, and could relate my situation to similar times in his life.  We all need friends like this—people we can lean on when we’re not seeing clearly.  Barry suggested a book to me by writing on a napkin:  The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer.  I bought it the very next day, an am in the process of reading it. 

The inspiration for my article this month came from the realization of my snag this summer, my encounter with Barry, and the first few chapters of this book; implementing the amazing work of my journey towards inner freedom by staying open to everything.

I’ve realized that a snag is stored energy, no matter what kind of snag it is, and that it’s very hard work to continue to fight against it, work around it, or keep it locked down inside.

I know for sure that being open has made this the absolute best summer of my life. 

I encourage you to take some time to read and contemplate my latest article, Are you open for business?, and remove what’s closing off your ability to receive the abundance that life has to offer.

Invest in this rich information, and be fully open for business.

Blessings,

Penny


What does International Women’s Day mean for you?

March 8th every year is International Women’s Day, where the focus ranges from generalities of respect, love and appreciation to social, economical and political advancement of women.  What does this mean for YOU?

Gentlemen, today is another day like Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day where you can make a special effort to show the women in your life how grateful you are for them.  As well, in the workplace, you can honor the special skill set that women bring.  Consider these points:
•    Women are more intuitive and bring in all points of view, which allows for more collaboration and ultimately, win/win situations: an essential skill in today’s complex working environment.
•    Values are more empathic from a woman’s perspective, especially when conflicts between work and life appear, women tend to be more supportive.
•    Fostering a stronger support system, women tend to be solid networkers who help each other out, assist and support more than men do.

One of the most prevalent weaknesses of women in the workplace is their lack of confidence in their ability.  Gentlemen, here lies your opportunity to leverage the woman power in your life and your workplace.  Compliment them with genuine examples of how their intuition, values or support makes your world a better place.  Be specific with your examples, and celebrate with them.  By doing this, you will be tapping in your own feminine energy, which is an important balance to your masculine self.

Ladies, today is the day to reflect on the special women in your life who have helped you get to where you are today.  Reach out and verbally share your gratitude.  In prayer, in words, in a hand written note, a card, an email, text, blog post, facebook post,  twitter feed … Honor the amazing acts of feminine heroism that has been the wind beneath your wings, and also, honor yourself.

I will never forget the words of my baby nurse, Anne Smith when I delivered my first child.  “Isn’t it amazing how giving birth changes who we are as women?”  From that moment onward, day after day, my feelings of being a woman have grown stronger.

To my Mom, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, friends, sister-in-laws, nieces, daughters, colleagues, coaches, energy healers, mid-wife, nurses and audience … thank you.  I wouldn’t even be one tenth of who I am today without your love, lessons and support.

Happy Women’s Day!!

a)    Our Canadian theme for IWD, 2013 is Working Together: Engaging Men to End Violence against Women 
b)    My charity of choice is the Nipissing Transition House.  Donations are appreciated.  Read more about how you can help.
c)    More research and video from http://www.businessinsider.com/the-rise-of-women-in-the-workplace-is-changing-everything-2012-2

 

 

Love is something you DO

Valentine’s Day isn’t just for lovers.  It’s a day to celebrate your love for all people, including your family and your work family.  Traditionally we buy cards, flowers, chocolate, even dinner in restaurants to show people how special they are to us and how much we appreciate them.

There are other ways to show love, and it only requires taking action.

Love  is something you do.  It’s the small and big things: the random acts of kindness, surprises, extra support, smiles, conversations, pats on the back, compliments, patience, kind thoughts, compassion, and many other acts of doing something for someone else.

Read 10 ways that you can love people and strengthen your team at work this Valentine’s Day week.  I guarantee you that these respectful ways of appreciating others, or working together as a more cohesive team will deliver results long after the occasion has passed.

Forward this to a co-worker and get the whole office on the band wagon of doing good things for each other.  I would love to hear your stories, so please comment on how you’ve used love to enhance your team’s bonding this week.

Sending you all BIG love, and appreciation for your readership, frequent comments and encouragement.

Penny

Do You Give & Receive the Gifts that Matter Most?

When I stop to really think about the gifts that mean the most to people, I think of the gifts of connection, wisdom, acceptance, understanding, compassion and love.  For example, when we believe in someone, see them for who they are, and understand them to a point of feeling compassion and unconditional love we are truly giving them the gift of our love.  That is the gift that people seek beneath the materialism of good gestures and presents at this time and any time of year: to be loved, noticed, heard, understood, and felt.

Are you able to truly receive the gifts that other people bring to you, or are you too busy finding their short falls and what they are not giving to you?

Be present with people this year, rather than just giving presents (gifts).  Read my December article, Presence or Presents to find out how.

Be blessed this Holiday season, and treasure the gifts that matter most.

Penny

Accept Others and Be Rich

In the workplace, judgment of others often leads to disharmony because people expect others to behave, speak or interact in a certain way.  The fact is that we can be divided into different ‘personality styles’; each personality type has different strengths and weaknesses.

Hypothetically speaking, the best possible team would have a combined inventory of all types of personalities, combining the largest variety of strengths to achieve its goals.  Members of this team would also need to understand each other’s behavior style in order to better accept each other and maintain positive, productive and profitable relationships.

Accepting others for reasons beyond personality styles, tolerance, and being productive on a team is important because everything is energy.  A team’s energy, like all things, can either be expansive or constricting.  To be rich is to be expanded.

When we judge others, we criticize their moral behavior as inappropriate.  This invites constricting energy into our own being. If we feel that, in order for us to accept and love others unconditionally, they have to be perfect or conform to a certain standard —  height, width, color, race, religion, status, and behaviour are just a few examples — we are resisting them, and therefore resisting our own full potential of receiving abundance in the process.

Judgment is a part of some people’s way of life.  “Did you see her ugly clothes?”, “His yard is a mess”, or  “Her way of communicating is inappropriate” — these fault-finding judgments are negative, waste time, and invite the same negative energy back to you.  What you’re really saying is, “I have something negative and it bothers me, so I need to gather evidence of ugliness externally, rather than finding it within.” It’s easier to see it in others where one cannot fix it; such cycles are continuous.

In thoughts of judging or doubting ourselves, we unconsciously invite in constricting energy that stifles our flow or expanse.  When we judge ourselves, we don’t feel good enough because we fear how we will be judged by others.

judgement vs analysing

Judging people invites constricting energy

Remember when, in kindergarten or grade school, you created artwork by putting paint on one side of a sheet of paper and folded it in half to create an identical image on the other side?  You created a mirror image of your work; similarly, when you judge people for their inadequacies, you create a tainted mirror for yourself.  When you judge someone else, you really aren’t rejecting them — you are rejecting the same things and concepts in yourself.

Lift your judgment of others.  Let them be them, and you focus on being you.

“All judgement is self-judgement.” ―  Paul Richard

Freedom from judgment is peaceful; it is expansive, because it will allow you to be open to giving and receiving your best.  Free yourself by loving people as they are so that you can be loved as you are.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”  ― Mother Teresa

Group hugs and best wishes for an expansion of abundant energy by accepting others,

Penny

p.s.  Personality Styles training is a great way to get your team to accept others instantly.  Find out more in our Workplace Relationships brochure.

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Visit the programs page to learn what my seminars, workshops, keynotes, books, and audio products can bring to you or your organization.

Cooperation vs. Competition

Here is another excerpt from my new book, I Give and Grow Rich, An Inspiring Guide to Circulating Abundant Wealth.

Cooperation vs. Competition

People in the workplace environment don’t always want to share their knowledge since they feel threatened. They feel that knowledge is power, and that they become more powerful by withholding all of their knowledge.

Nothing could be more detrimental to one’s career.

Knowledge is not meant to be hoarded. Those that do hoard do so under the false pretense that it makes them a better leader, but in reality, they are actually demonstrating a lack, limitation, and scarcity mentality, based on their fear that there is not enough knowledge for everyone.

How powerful will you be when you can share your information to build other leaders around you?

How important will you be to your organization when you can coach people toward better skills and influence and inspire them to perform to the best of their abilities?

People are often stuck in dead-end career positions because of their lack of ability to lead others.

Don’t hold back or keep secrets that could help someone else. You have experience that you can offer to others. Teach it to them. You have resources that others can use; pass on that knowledge so others can benefit.

Be the company’s biggest cheerleader, encouraging and empowering people to grow. When one person wins, we all do.

Always focus on cooperation versus competition in the workplace and beyond.

 

Cooperation like love and friendship is something you get by giving. ~Napolean Hill